The soul has illusions as the bird has wings.

Heavily Warded Private - Failed

Note to self: Room of Requirement is not nearly as private as previously thought. Must investigate the castle for more appropriate places.

Private

By this time tomorrow, I'll be home. It still feels weird to think about that. It's been weird all week and just... I suppose it's good that I'm on the potions if I feel like this with them. God knows what I'd feel like without them. It's just more to suss out. How I'm going to do Easter from now on. I wish something would just stay the bloody same for once rather than me having to suss it out. Thinking about the last hols I'm starting to think that maybe planning a party would have been a good idea. It isn't a good idea now though as it's certainly too late to go inviting people and everyone will have plans for family.

I suppose at least Zach will be with me. Even if that would likely have killed whatever party plans there'd be anyways as soon as everyone knew he'd be there as well. It's great to have him around and he keeps me sane, but... I wish I didn't feel like I've been put in some sort of exile because he is staying with me. I wonder if it'll just always be this way now. Holding my tongue. Making offers and hoping one gets accepted without really saying anything at all. I suppose I should just count my blessings. That I have a phone and I will be spending most of the holiday with one sort of friend or other. That I have part of my family, even if it's not the part I want...

I'll need to buy eggs and dye. That should be fun. Although I have no idea what to do with the eggs. I wonder if the house elves would be horribly put out if I donated the eggs to them if my aunt won't take them... Either that or Zach and I can spend a night just drinking and eating eggs and making sure the plumbing in the house still works.

Private to Maisie

What plans do you have for the hols?

Private to Zach

What do you think about Susan's dinner thing in the evening? Will you be too worn out from your noon-time dinner with Aaron or do you think you're up for it?

I know Ernie's already planning to go, so... Right.

Private to Hufflepuffs and DA members

With another holiday approaching, I'd like to extend the same offer I did around New Years that if anyone needs a place to stay in London, whether it is just an overnight or someplace to rest during the day, my home is open. I've a few guest rooms and there is plenty of floor space to crash on as well if it's needed.

Private to Zach

Are you alright?

[Private to Pig]

Hey. How are you holding up? I have a question to ask, although it might be a bit awkward, so if now isn't a good time...

Private to Maisie

Are you busy right now?

Private

It feels like things keep getting worse and worse and I don't know how I'm supposed to concentrate on the game tomorrow. The nerves and energy just from that fact that this is my first game would be enough, really, but no. Ever since that article about Yaxley, I can feel the tension... I'm not even sure if it's really there, God knows that I'm not a good judge of what's really going around, but I can feel it. Of whether this will be a fight again and what we're supposed to do and if it's something like the DA...

How am I supposed to be like that again? To fight those sorts again? I can't. I just can't. I've already failed once and I can't afford to fail again. They can't just put their lives in my hands and expect me to keep them safe... They'll just end up dead and the way Ernie talked. God, it made me feel like I wasn't part of the DA and just how much of a failure I am in all of this. It hurt so much. But I know I should fight if it comes to that, that I should be prepared to because the Ministry isn't going to do shit to protect us and neither is the school. It's the right thing to do, but the thought of it just makes me want to go and hide in the greenhouses or just find someplace far away to go...

And someplace else is seeming more and more appealing because of these stupid rules. I know they're meant to protect us, but... I can't stand it. That we can only go out at certain times and it's so structured and inside stone walls and are they going to start locking us in the dorms so we can't leave at all? Oh God... I hope not.

Maybe I'll at least get some clarity on Sunday.

And after that, Zach'll hopefully be back. I miss him. Even if he was- is part of the danger, I think I'll feel safer with him here. Especially if Ernie remains angry at me...

Private to Seventh Year Hufflepuff Boys

Since I seem to be able to close the curtains properly now, I've set up a few silencing charms and privacy charms. I think I've done them right, but if they prove to not be working properly, please let me now.

Private to Ernie

I'm not sure if you deciphered or read Zach's message, but he says that whatever you requested from him will be here in two weeks as it cannot be trusted to the mail system.

Hogsmeade weekend was marvelous. Even with the nerves that are developing over the upcoming game, I'm still on a bit of a high from getting to go off grounds and be somewhere that is so familiar. Not to mention I had forgotten how settling traditions can be. How they can surprisingly make everything feel grounded and normal even when so much has changed in the world. I have also realized how much of a comfort drink butterbeer has become for me.

I hope that all of Hufflepuff will come out to cheer us, especially as I'm sure Sam will have many wonderful signs that will need people to hold them. At least I hope Sam'll be making us wonderful signs. And when I say all of Hufflepuff, I mean all of Hufflepuff. I'm looking at you, Ernie. No sneaking off underneath the benches during the game. Otherwise you will have to face the pout of doom and I will hide all your coffee.

Private to Maisie

Is there any way that I could convince you to cheer for my house instead of your own in the upcoming game?

Private

Oh good God, I'm actually seeing a girl on Valentine's Day for a walk and a picnic which I think may possibly constitute a date, but might just still be hanging out with each other. Considering everything, I'm wondering if I'm going to fast considering how jumpy I got over the dance and now I doubt if I'm going to sleep tonight. Thank God I have Quidditch practice ahead of time to get rid of some of the energy and maybe Pig can talk some sense into me afterwards. He's good about that. I likely would have completely freaked at the kiss at the dance if it wasn't for him.

It'll be fine. I mean, Maisie is brill and she's being patient and good and I do like being around her. Even if now I'm wondering if I should just give her the presents I got for her when I meet her or just send them. Would it be odd if I gave her gifts from both me and Zach in person? But if I owl them to her, she might still want to thank me at the picnic and would it be proper to take the full credit? I mean, I did buy the things. Or rather told my family what to buy... But still, I am putting Zach's name on them as a favor to him and it seems rather horrible of me to do the favor and then reap the reward... This is also assuming she likes the presents...

Alright, I think this counts as overthinking the matter. Time to focus that overthinking on something else. Like the layout of the garden and how to properly rotate the plants and bulbs in there and not about how Maisie has gone down on other- oh bloody fucking hell.

Private to Pig

I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get tonight. Would you be so kind as to make sure I don't fall off my broom and make an ass of myself tomorrow at practice because I've suddenly fallen asleep in the middle of a play?

Anyone care to go flying or running with me tomorrow morning and late afternoon? Friday morning before lunch as well? I feel like I might jump out of my skin otherwise. It doesn't actually have to be running and flying with me. Just company if someone wants...

Private to Pig

Can I take refuge in your dorm for a bit? I'm afraid I might get beaned in the head with a paper airplane.

I am Anglican. I am proud of that fact. And I would go to church today and every Sunday if Hogwarts offered services.

It seems like a lot of talk is going on about this, but really, come on. Is everyone really that surprised? While they are personal journals and not affiliated with any organization, that doesn't meant that people can't read them. If the message is unwarded it's on a public network that anyone can read. You're putting your opinion out into the public consciousness and people you may not expect or want to be reading it will be reading it. After all, we already know there are members of the faculty on this system. Even if they aren't policing the system, what do you really expect them to do if you start talking about breaking school rules on a public forum?

I would actually be surprised if journalists didn't use the journal system as a way to get a feel of public opinion. Because at least according to the article that seems to be all they're doing, feeling out public opinion and reactions to events.


Of course, on the flip side, something does need to be done to ensure that there is some sort of policy to go with these journals, much in the same way that the government is constantly working on Internet privacy laws. Of how much of our private information and private wards are protected. Of what actions can be taken based on information on the journals and if this information can be used in a court of law. If someone says that they've killed ten people a buried them in the forbidden forest, is Professor Dawlish allowed to use that as a confession or as just cause to bring that person in for questioning?

I would suggest that those wanting to fight this and ensure proper privacy laws are in place that they should look into what is being done in regards to the Internet. The concept is pretty similar after all, with the exception of the sad lacking of porn on this magical system.

Private

I guess it's a good thing I started the potions last night. Otherwise I might be freaking out about the fact that Zach's trial is today. But with the potions it... it just feels like a strange distant fact. Like the fact that the weather is sunny or something else as obscure and unimportant. Zach's trial is today. Lunch is chicken salad. For classes, there is transfiguration and defense. I suppose it's good. Not feeling anything too much. It's even hard for me to feel like going on the potions is some sort of defeat.

About the only thing that seems to still make it through is the confusion. I saw Hermione and Ernie in the library and... Do we still have our Hufflepuff study group? Is it alright to sit down with them? Or at these dates as well? Or their private time? I don't know... And I don't know how to ask Ernie any of this without turning him into a nervous wreck again like I did before with my confusion... It's just... It's not Ernie. But... but this Ernie is happy, so... maybe this Ernie is better and I shouldn't interfere. I don't know.

I suppose it's a good thing that I need to spend my free time trying to figure out how to fly properly. I don't have to worry about the study groups if I'm on the pitch. Apparently the potions help with that too. It's amazing how undaunting the height is when you have something controlling your anxiety.

At least my books came today. I think I'll need to find an empty classroom though to properly spread out all the work I've done. I'd spread out in the house, but I don't want to be down in the dark underground. I don't want to be around his empty bed even if it doesn't seem as big a thing with the potions now. But the plans are coming along well and the books Penny got me will help so much. I don't know if I'm even going to pitch this to anyone, just doing it... It's something.

Private to Ernie


Private to Hermione


Private to Padrig

Jumped out of your skin yet?

Private to Hannah and Ernie

Could either of you

I've been thinking that maybe Padrig's way isn't so bad

I'm thinking of going on the potion regiment that they suggested while I was in St. Mungo's, but that would require going to the infirmary

I might as well just go on the potions, I already feel like I'm not here anyways, but I don't want to go up there like this

Fuck it all, neither of you need this. I should just get the bloody potions myself before I fuck anything else up

Never mind.

Private to Luna

Does that offer to just go for a silent walk still stand? I think I could use the company for a walk through the castle.

Private to Hermione

I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to know about this or how much I'm supposed to talk about it as this really never happens and I don't know if there's protocol or anything. Even if there was protocol, I'm not sure if I'd remember it or it would apply considering how everything just seems to keep changing-

Anyways. Just- This Saturday. Could you please make sure Ernie doesn't sabotage himself? I'm not sure how you'd go about it other than not getting put off when he turns into a nervous wreck, but you'll probably think of something that works well considering how he talks about you.

If this is out of line, just tell me to bugger off.

Private

It's an odd sensation when sitting about alone avoiding class and actually sitting in class feel like the same thing. Regardless of whether I'm in the class or not, I feel like I'm not there. That someone else is sitting in class and taking notes, but not me. I can't remember what happened in the class once it's over, but I'll have these words on paper that prove I was there in some sense of the word. There enough for my ears to tell my hand what to write. I can't skip anymore though. Have to play the part. Act as if we're all moving forward. As if it never happened. As if this just makes- that things just don't exist anymore. But how am I supposed to move forward when I can't feel where I am now? Everything just feels cold and distant... I'm finally seeing how much everything here has changed. I kept hoping that we'd get here and Hufflepuff would be Hufflepuff and it'd just go back, but it's not that way. It's just a hole in the ground with people who might as well be strangers half the time. The skating party just made it more obvious... The party at my house hadn't seemed to bad, but...

Padrig said something about keeping his friends away and I'm wondering if he had it right. It would certainly be easier right now than having to deal with all this doubt I feel about people I've been close to for years...

Private to Professor Clearwater

Do you know a good way to get Muggle library books? I've got a personal research project in mind, but I don't have enough cross referencing materials at the moment.

I was going to put down some witty quote or the like here, but instead found myself staring at this page and my mind wandering for hours. I suppose this is why I'm not a Ravenclaw. Although it did make me realize that I didn't bring all the books that I would like to have on my person...

Private

Fuck. This doesn't help. Fuck, that's not what he said, he didn't. He wouldn't have hurt us like that one purpose. He's not- Fuck. They make him sound like he was handing Yaxley our names. He said he wasn't doing that. It's just the Prophet spinning things the wrong way again, right?

And why did they have to send him there?

Kill me So... quidditch and skating today...

Or not. I don't know... I should go, but... I don't know.

Private

It's beginning to be hard to tell the difference between day and night. This is probably because I haven't been going to classes. And even though I'm outside and I can see the change of the sun across the sky, it feels like it's all a blur. That I'm a zombie just sitting about staring into space.

I wish his bed wasn't still here. I don't know if it would make it better or worse, but the absence is just suffocating. It makes me want to risk closing my curtains if just so I don't have to look at it. And the chocolate. I want to eat it for comfort. To just nibble on it and make it last, but... It's from him and what does he mean by giving it to me. And the other gifts. It's like goodbye and it shouldn't be goodbye, even if I shouldn't want him around for what he did. But there's just such a gap now...

And if I didn't know this about him, what am I supposed to think of everyone else? I've been gone so long, been away. My brain can't fully comprehend now from then and... What if there's more I'm not seeing? More people are hiding? I've never been good about pressing about secrets out of respect. What if those secrets are as bad as this one? What if Ernie

I want to sleep somewhere else, but I know if I'm found in the common room that people will worry. Not to mention that every time I think that I couldn't possible cry anymore, the tears come again. Usually spurred on by something so stupid and inconsequential and unnoticeable to everyone else.

Maybe I'll work on the idea of hiking trails. That seems like a good idea... Maybe... Maybe some sort of garden can be made too. A climate controlled one. Although maybe I can find some plants that naturally grow in the cold and snow and only then.

Who would be interested in hiking trails through the forest or other nature related quiet spots around the grounds? What sort of things would people want in these?